Mere Chrisitianity (cont) - 'The Thrill is Gone'

But the reality is that marriages do break down, the marriage loses the thrill it once had. The couple believe they're are no longer in love, they made a mistake and they are entitled to call it quits. But how do we know what love is, and thereby when we aren't 'in love'? Is it because we have been in love before and so when we are not in love we know or do we know because of what our friends have told us. For many neither is the case. Our understanding of love is 'coloured' by what we see in magazine, what we read in books, watch on tv or at the cinema. From the media we learn that when we have made the right choice and we get married we are always in love, there is an excitement and energy. So when we are not in love we know, it must have been a mistake so we leave. In time many of us find a new love with whom we 'fall in love' and the thrill returns but before long that thrill will go.

In marriage, as in every aspect of life, there is thrill at the beginning but it doesn't last. Think of when you go on holiday and you fall in love with the destination and think what a thrill it would be to live there, when you move there the thrill is short lived and in its place there is a 'quieter and more lasting kind of interest'. Lewis suggests that in marriage we should also realise that the initial thrill is only for a time and that if we submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest there will most likely be new thrills in some quite different direction. Allow the initial thrill run its natural course and die away; go on through that 'period of death' into the time of quieter interest and happiness that follows and you will find that you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. Lewis warns against trying to make thrill your regular diet or trying to prolong the thrill artificially. In time they will get weaker and weaker and fewer and fewer and you'll get bored and disillusioned.

Living with Differences

(the above picture is my friend who waited many years for this day)

21 years [and one day] I can't believe it. Looking back I didn't think too much about married life and definitely not 21 years of it. The first three years I think were hardest because both of us came to realize that we were so different. We shared the same interests, love for God, church , ministry, education, traveling, reading but you don't live in church, you aren't continually traveling or reading. The majority of the time it was us - together - a lot of the time. Our emphases and priorities were often dissimilar.We had to deal with our disparities .These of course were points of tension. It is precisely these points of tension that the enemy highlights in our minds, he plays them over and over - I don't know if it is the same for men, it would be interesting to find out. He did the same to Eve, he allowed her to concentrate on what she didn't have thereby losing focus on what she did. I know now that it was the grace of God that kept us together at those times. It was then and is now the enemy's desire to 'sift us like wheat' and if Jesus doesn't make intercession for us we wont make it, left to our own devices we will bite that apple and then be forced to live with the consequences.
That said making the dissimilar and the similar mould together until you can't see where the dissimilarities and the similarities are is a mystery - and an on going process. The creation of marriage is a Godly one, it's not mass produced by robots but one that involves not only the Creator but also the creation. I guess the best anology is not really clay but wood. A good carpenter can look at the grain and the markings on a piece of wood and know how to craft it in order to bring out its inner beauty but some quite harsh tools are used to bring about that final work.

Pray one for another. We need it!

21 today, 21 today

Today I am celebrating my 21st wedding anniversary - yea I know life sentences are shorter :). No, it's not because I'm married to the perfect man (though he did give me a dozen roses and a card first thing this morning, that played 'How sweet it is to be loved by you'- no hatin' now) and it's not that I'm the perfect wife - [Even though after making us God said everything that was made was now very good...not perfect-close though :)].

There were many occasions when I felt I wanted out and I'm sure my husband felt the same way but we are still here and I am celebrating it, reflecting on the past years and thanking God for today - I don't take it for granted.

Question for you. Is deciding to part company the easy way out? (I'm not talking out of abusive relationships thats a no brainer!)



Pray one for another! We need it.

marriage
anniversary
divorce

Save a Marriage

Someone forwarded this to me last week, and it brought a tear to my eye.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.
I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "all my dresses have grown bigger". I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, it was
just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realise that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other thatbuild intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!


Remember.......Pray one for another